Chuck Norris Jokes

I'm fairly certain Chuck Norris has been dead long enough that I'm not too worried that he'll be back to kick my ass at this point.

Chuck Norris has become an Internet meme sensation based on his toughness and feats of strength that "Chuck Norris facts" have become humorous factoids for the man, the legend since the 1980's.

Without further ado, here's some more Chuck Norris "facts" for your entertainment:

• Chuck Norris can speak in braille.

• The dinosaurs once rubbed Chuck Norris the wrong way. As you can tell, dinosaurs aren’t around anymore.

• Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t use hand sanitizer. He just flexes his muscles, and all the germs fly off.

• Chuck Norris breathes air just like the rest of us. A few times a day.

• Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

• When Chuck Norris steps on a Lego, the Lego screams.

• Voldemort calls Chuck Norris “You know who.”

• Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

• Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of fresh rain.

• Whenever Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares at night they would come to his bedroom.

• Chuck Norris’s GPS doesn’t have the courage to tell him to turn around.

• When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s just letting you know how many seconds you have left to live.

• Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 100 men. Then, the grenade exploded.

• The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep out Chuck Norris. It was unsuccessful.

• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. That’s how giraffes were created.

• The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot each year.

• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a coal mine. It then became a diamond mine.

• Chuck Norris never uses spell check when he writes. If he ever misspells something, the Oxford dictionary will adjust to accommodate him.

• Chuck Norris was born May 6th, 1945, and the Nazis surrendered May 7th, 1945. I rest my case.

• Aliens are real. But they won’t be showing themselves as long as Chuck Norris is on the earth.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t have to worry about rising gas prices. His vehicles run 100% on fear.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

• The theory of evolution is a lot simpler than it seems. It’s just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris allows to live.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.

• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

• Chuck Norris once strangled a man with a cordless phone.

• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

• Chuck Norris is so tough that he can play Jenga with Stonehenge.

• Chuck Norris got rid of the periodic table. Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

• Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

• Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number. Someone just answered the wrong phone.

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that it was felt by his ancestors.

• Chuck Norris’ calendar goes right from the 31st of March to April 2nd. No one can fool Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray on his steaks to add flavor.

• Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

• Chuck Norris never needs to flush the toilet. He always ends up scaring the crap out of it.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he knows what he needs.

• Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his room. It’s not dead you know, just scared like the rest of us.

• Chuck Norris does not own an oven, stove, or microwave. That’s because revenge is a dish best served cold.

• The fastest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

• They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but his beard was too tough for the granite.