Dad Jokes
- Mar 7
- 6 min read
The following Dad jokes are from various sources and are specifically designed to make you laugh, groan or shake your head. But I bet you repeat at least one of them to someone else!
Enjoy!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument? A moo-sician.
What is a UPS driver's favorite sport? Boxing.
How do amoebas make calls? On a cell phone!
What car always breaks the rules? A Nissan Rogue
What kind of watch does Bigfoot have? A Sasquatch.
What mixed drink is always in a bad mood? A whiskey sour.
Where do cows go on a worldly vacation? Instan-bull.
What do married cats say to each other when they're upset? You've crossed the fe-line!
Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine.
Why do we have to keep telling grandma to wear her hearing aid? She doesn't listen!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.
I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.
If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled?
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI.
What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
"Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open."
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
How do you make a waterbed bouncier? Add spring water.
Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology.
30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
My wife told me she didn't understand cloning. I told her, "That makes two of us."
After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
“Alexa,” I asked my car computer, “why am I so bad with women?" She responded, “I’m Seri you moron.”
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel.
She said I won’t be able to make it.
I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
My boss told me to have a good day...so I went home.
I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Why are libraries so tall? Because they have so many stories!
Have you ever heard of "quiet tennis?" It's the same as regular tennis but without the racket.
Hope I made you smile a little today. Enjoy your weekend.
Some funny sruff
Why does Norway have bar codes on the side of their war ships?
So they can Scan-da-navian!