If I Ruled the World

What's bugging you, snookie?

Life was simpler in the old days. Running from dinosaurs, making fires, hunting and gathering - you pretty much knew what was expected to survive. Modern life has made things easier in some ways, but we seem to have a new crop of inconveniences and things to whine, complain and basically grouse about.

You would think with all the brain power and smart people in the world today, we'd FIX stuff that seems to universally annoy us. I'm sure each of us can come up with their own list of crap they'd like to bellyache about, but here's some of mine. Let me know if you agree, disagree or have some ideas of your own. Because when I become King of the Universe, you can pretty much guarantee, I'll do it for you. :)

• Traffic lights that aren't in synch. You know the ones I'm talking about. Your light turns green and you go about 100 feet before the next one turns red. It's like doing the Cha- Cha in your car.

• Poor packaging designs. That lightweight carton of eggs that bends in the middle when you grab one end to take it out of the refrigerator and you wind up making your omelet on the floor. The amazon delivery of a new watchband that comes in a box homeless people could use as shelter - (Sorry, UNHOUSED people).

• Automated Phone Systems that never allow you to speak to a human. Press 1 for our hours of operation. Press 2 for our locations. Press 3 to leave a message in our general delivery mailbox where it will never be heard or see the light of day and will forever fall into the abyss of the damned.

• Complicated Passwords. Your password has expired. Please enter a new password that is a minimum of 26 characters, excluding #$(^&)*&!, the previous password, One upper case letter, one lower case letter, the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln, your blood type and several variations of cloud formations. And let's not forget the all the multifactor authentication features that make you click on all the fire hydrants in a picture or parts of a bus (Do I include or exclude the left side of the bumper that appears in just one block??)

• Grocery expiration shuffle and what's that date? When I worked as a stockboy in a grocery store back in the stone age, we always rotated stock with the oldest in front followed by the new stuff behind it. Seems like someone forgot to tell the grocery stores that and there seems to be no rhyme or reason for how stocks are shelved. Today, we play the guessing game, pulling out the stuff in front to see if there's a better date behind or if you're going to find Amelia Earhart or Jimmy Hoffa lurking back there. Even if you are diligent enough to look for the fresh produce, the expiration date is going to be hidden somewhere in the clear part of the packaging or resemble Egyptian hieroglyphics.

• SPAM/Robocalls When I worked in telecom, the abundance of robocalls complaints took up a good part of our day. Businesses would set up auto dialers that went down a list of numbers in numerical order. Bad for us when we owned the entire 10,000 block of numbers! Since retiring, I average five calls a day from companies offering a better rate on a loan I didn't apply for, PPL asking if I'm moving or offers for Medicare advantage programs. Even with the ability to block numbers, the caller keeps changing the number they're calling from, but the message is the same. When and if I ever meet "Peggy" (with a middle eastern accent), we're going to have words.

• Insurance Companies. This one is like shooting fish in a barrel - too many easy shots to take, but it's always amazed me that I buy insurance in the off chance that I need to protect myself against something and either find out there was a special clause in the fine print that isn't going to cover my particular incident or if they do cover it, they raise my rates for using the insurance I paid for. "I'm sorry, Mr. Gehman, under Section 14, clause B, subsection 5, addendum 16, that sump pump that overflowed falls under an act of God and therefore, you ain't getting squat from us."

• HEADLIGHTS. This may be just me, but some of the new LED headlights on cars today seem to be brighter than the old incandescent lights. I was driving down a dark country road when a BMW with LED headlights passed. At first, I thought it was a UFO but when the spots that burned my retinas subsided, I noticed that he had set several trees on fire with the laser beam-like headlights emanating from his grill.

• Women's Jean Pant pockets - Seriously? These things are so small that they'll never hold a set of keys let alone a cell phone. I think this is a ploy to sell purses.

• Streaming Services You get rid of cable and subscribe to a "few" NETFLIXHULUPARAMOUNTDISNEY+APPLEMAXDISCOVERYFUBOs on a 7-day free trial only to forget to cancel. And then you see those services go up, up, up in price month after month. Netflix alone has gone up 56% since inception of its premium service in 2019. And they make it confusing by adding tiers and options. Do you want Hulu with or without advertising, with or without on-demand streaming, live TV, bundled Disney+ and ESPN?

• Potholes - Take one pothole the size of Montana against a modern tire with giant wheels and just enough rubber to look like a belt loop around the outside. Can you spell RECIPE FOR DISASTER? I'm not quite sure what the 57.6 cent per gallon gas tax in Pennsylvania is being used for, but it sure isn't road repair like they say. I was checking out a particular pothole that was collecting hubcaps near me not too long ago and heard an echo.

• Autocorrect - I get this is something that can be turned on or off, but it amazes me that in today's modern society, it's still getting it so wrong. The other day, I sent my wife a text that meant to read "I love you" but came out "I loaf you" - really??? I'm turning a romantic sentiment into a scene featuring Hannibal Lecter!

From Funny Autocorrect Fails

• Using automated driving instructions. It doesn't matter if it's WAZE, Google Maps, Apple Maps, TomTom or any of several apps available for navigation in cars. Sooner or later, you're going to ignore the directions provided in the mapping. And when that happens, your car is going to have a hissy fit like a 2-year-old toddler and keep jabbering at you to turn around. My parents had a Mercedes that would actually SCOLD them in a voice that sounded like a German dominatrix. TURN AROUND NOW!

• Airline Seats. The height of the average human male has increased from five foot six in 1896 to five foot eight within a hundred years. Most of my male friends are taller than that. Yet the average leg room (the front of one seat to the front of the next) on airplanes has dropped from 35 inches in the 1990's down to about 30 inches today, with budget carriers as low as 28 inches. Additionally, the seat width has gone from 18.5 inches in the 1960's down to about 16 inches today on many domestic carriers. Typically, we're taller and fatter than ever before. One of my biggest fears is being stuck between two Sumo wrestlers on a five-hour flight! When our daughter comes in from South Africa, she's typically on a 15–18 hour flight...I'm hyperventilating already.

Enough whining for one day...I would love to hear your personal gripes and thoughts on the subject. If we gather enough insights, I'll do another one of these... Send them to me at bobgehman@yahoo.com or robertsreader.com@yahoo.com. Or even better, add your comments below!