Man in the Mirror

Michael Jackson released a song in January 1988 called Man in the Mirror that appeared on his "Bad" album. Part of the lyrics are:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

This past winter, I was going through photo albums and came across a photograph of my oldest son as a toddler sitting in the bathroom with me watching me shave - that picture was from around 1990.

As I looked at the picture, I realized my son is now about the age I was when that picture was taken. It feels as though something has transpired or a baton has been passed to the next generation. Quite frankly, it's a strange feeling.

It makes me reflect on the job I did as a father and what legacy I passed along to the kids. I'm well aware of the mistakes I made along the way but hope the good I passed outweighed the bad. All three kids are successful, hardworking and in good relationships, so something must have gone well.

When you bring your child home from the hospital, they don't come with owner's manuals. You find that you're in panic mode and frustrated more often than you'd like to admit, but hopefully you have someone in your life that will tell you that what you're feeling is normal and its okay making mistakes. That you have a higher purpose than just keeping them alive and fed.

I don't envy parents trying to raise kids today. It seems that today's society has taken away parents' rights to raise and discipline a child. My father was military and raised us in what was quite frankly, the military way. He was the head of the household and what he wanted was the bottom line. We were spanked when we were younger if we misbehaved, had chores when we were older and a curfew. There were rules in our home that need to be followed or there would be consequences. As we got older, the consequences changed but they still existed.

My father was raised in an orphanage (Girard College, Philadelphia) among other fatherless boys, so he may not have had a paternal influence to teach him how to be a father. My mother was the good cop in the Good Cop/Bad Cop scenario and her method of discipline usually involved LOOOONNNGGGG lectures. Dad's justice was quick and decisive. Disobey and maybe you get away with a crack on the ass. I can't honestly say which one I preferred.

Beyond teaching your children right and wrong, parents have a tendency to pass along their opinions of the world to their children. Dad worked three jobs to allow my mom to be a stay-at-home mother to us for years, but that arrangement meant we didn't see him much. When we did, he was tired and not willing to put up with shenanigans from my brother, sister and me. It wasn't an ideal situation, but we made it work.

I have friends with young kids right now. I'm in awe of how they have to somehow raise them without spanking them, teaching them to be good citizens in a world that seems contrary to what they were raised to believe. They exist in an environment where kids' rights are more important than adult rights, that spanking your child is considered abuse and that the school system has the right to keep information from the parents about their own child. My friends do their best with a time out, keeping them from too much time on the internet, monitoring their friends and social media without being intrusive and instilling values without telling the child what to believe. I would go mad raising a child today or wind up in jail, I'm afraid.

Like my father, I've mellowed a bit now that my job of raising children is over. I have three responsible adults that I'm quite proud of. I still fight the urge to tell them what to do with their lives but am resigned and relieved that that seem to be making good choices.

When I look in the mirror these days, I feel as though that while I could have done a better job with certain aspects of parenting, the kids were raised with discipline, values and a work ethic that has provided for them as they now carry that baton. With hindsight comes clarity.

If you're reading this and you're still raising children, I applaud you and hope you give yourself a break. The job that you're doing is momentous and so very important. You're bringing up the future generation of leaders, workers and followers. If you're older and your children are grown, know that you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt. Pray for your children as they maneuver through a new set of complexities and a different society than you were raised and wish them the very best.

Each generation has challenges and opportunities afforded to them that their parents and grandparents never experienced. Some are daunting and some are awesome. As the next generation stares at themselves in the mirror and looks back with some pride and possible some regret, the cycle of life continues.