The Interview (Humor)

Yes, Ma'am...I'd like to apply for the position.

I only had a few job changes throughout my career but now that I'm retired, I thought of how fun it would have been to go to a job interview and not care if you got the job or not and you could just say whatever's on your mind? Here's a little interview humor for you.

The lady in the picture is the HR hiring manager and the gentleman has brought in his resume for her review. We'll call the lady Anne (29) and the guy Charles (72). I see the interview going something like this:

Anne - "Good morning, Mr. Dixon, Thank you for coming in today. Before we begin, can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Tea?"

Charles - "I'd love a cup of coffee - black please. And if you have a time machine in the back, I'd take that too. My knees miss 1984."

Anne - (smiling tersely) "I see you're looking for one of our open positions here at Acme Rocket Factory, is that correct?"

Charles - "Yes I am. I understand there's openings in various departments including the warehouse, loading dock and for forklift drivers. I'm probably not qualified but they sound like a lot of fun. I've got a bit of experience as you can see from my resume, but it's mostly the boring white collar office stuff."

Anne - "Yes! Looking at your resume now...wow! Fifty years of experience?"

Charles -"Actually, fifty-two years. The hardest job I've ever had was the two years I spent trying to teach Mildred how to use the VCR and of course, I didn't get paid squat for that one..."

Anne - "I can see where that might be arduous, Mr. Dixon. May I ask, what made you decide to apply here?"

Charles - My granddaughter worked for you and said your office has free snacks. I've worked for less!"

Anne- "I see...Well, outside of our warehouse jobs, we do have some openings in our tech group. How would you describe your computer skills?"

Charles - "Masterful... I'm an expert at turning them off. That's when they seem to work the best."

Anne - (Getting visibly frustrated) "Let's change direction here a little, Mr. Dixon. Here at Acme Rocket, we pride ourselves on teamwork. Would you consider yourself a team player? How well do you handle conflict with coworkers?"

Charles - "Where I used to work, we solved conflict with donuts. Whoever brought in donuts for the group won the argument. Oh, and once I sent a coworker a get better soon card. She wasn't sick, I just wanted her to get better at her job. I'm very sensitive like that. Plus, if things get really tense, I just turn off my hearing aid"

Anne - "I see...um, would you consider yourself adaptable to change?"

Charles - "Absolutely, I've adapted to cordless phones, microwaves, DVD players and those idiots that changed the name of Facebook to something else. I can email with the best of them but only trust that cloud thing about as much as I trust the neighbor's cat not to piss in my rosebush. I'm basically a chameleon with a touch of arthritis."

Anne - "How are your organization skills, Mr. Dixon?"

Charles - "I'd say top notch, Miss. While I was in your waiting room to come in, I organized your magazines by date order, tossed the dog-eared ones in the trash and moved that fern that wasn't getting enough sun closer to the window. I'm guessing it's still going to die, but at least, we've given it a chance, eh?"

Anne - (sighing, looking down at her papers) "What would you consider your greatest strength, Mr. Dixon?"

Charles - "I'm punctual as hell. I come in on time, which is more than I can say for your generation that shows up ten minutes late holding an iced coffee and six stories of the latest trauma in their lives."

Anne - "Um, okay....and your biggest weakness?"

Charles - "I'm not a gluten guy...and I'm not fond of people who say things like, 'Let's circle back', 'Let's take this offline', 'we need everyone on the same page' and the one that really ticks me off is 'we're pivoting'! I mean, really, are they ballerinas?"

Anne - (Feeling her face flush as she goes back to her questions) "Um, Mr. Dixon, where do you see yourself in five years?"

Charles - "Still alive, God willing...but let's not get greedy, okay?"

Anne - "I see. Um, do you have any questions for me, Mr. Dixon?"

Charles - "If I bring my recliner to the office and call it emotional support furniture, will that work for you? Oh, and what's the policy on paternity leave? Just keeping my options open here..."

Anne - (Standing) "Well...thank you for coming in. We'll be in touch."

Charles - "Outstanding - I'll be waiting - just don't take too long to get back to me...who knows how much time either of us have left, eh?"